You Live and Learn

I thought I was at a place with food where I could have anything in my house and not be tempted to pig out on it.  I thought that I was at peace with food and completely comfortable around it, however that may not be the case.

As I had been feeling so at ease with food recently, I decided to put a jar of Whole Earth Chocolate and Caramel spread, and a large bar of Lindt Orange Intense dark chocolate into my supermarket basket over the past couple of weeks.  I thought I could have these in my cupboards and eat them in moderation when I really wanted them, and leave them alone when I didn’t.  Not true.

Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been pigging out or binging on these items but I do find myself thinking about them a lot.  It also seems that the longer they are in the house, the larger my portions of them seem to be.  For example, I started portioning out two squares of chocolate to eat at a time but now I have progressed onto eating three squares.

I was starting to worry that my old binging tendencies were coming back but I don’t think this is the case at all.  I think I’m eating more of these items simply because they taste good and I like them.  I don’t think I’m really pigging out but am actually being normal.  Therefore I am not going to make a bold statement about never letting unhealthy foods into my house.  I don’t believe these are ‘trigger’ foods and even if they are what is wrong what that anyway?  Abolishing treats from the house is not going to achieve anything in the long run and will probably exacerbate any binging issues.  I want to be at peace with food and to do that I actually have to be exposed to food – all food.

Using my love of science quotes I will bust out a bit of Newton’s Theory of Relativity: ‘for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction’.  This is how I think in terms of restricting or controlling what I eat.  I know that if I restrict myself in any way [for example dieting or restricting which items I allow myself to bring into my home] after a while I will snap.  In taking part in the process of restriction [the action], I know that sooner or later the pressure will become too much and I will binge [the equal and opposite reaction].  As much as I would like to lose a few pounds, the thing I really don’t want is to binge.  My desire to be binge-free is much greater than my desire to be thin, so for now I have to do what is right for myself in trying to achieve this aim. 

That means I will be keeping the treats in the house [as opposed to throwing them out as I have done in the past!].  Not only will I be keeping these treats but I will also buy and bring home whatever other foods really take my fancy when I’m out shopping.  I will learn to eat them in a normal way and be comforted by the fact that I know I can have them any time that I like.

Besides, I am making major inroads into how I think about food and eating.  For the past twelve months I have eaten to the point of fullness.  I know this isn’t necessarily the ‘right’ way to eat, but I took comfort in knowing [and proving to myself] that I could eat whatever and whenever I liked.  It was great to step off the rollercoaster of restricting and binging.  Over the past few weeks I have noticed that I don’t like to feel so full any more.  I proved to myself that food was available whenever I needed it and now eating doesn’t feel so urgent any more.  These days I like to feel lighter in my stomach and therefore don’t feel the need to eat such large portions.  I also don’t fear hunger either - yes, it’s uncomfortable for a short period but it’s not an emergency.  Nothing bad will happen if I have to wait for food.

I hope that the combination of my new found level of satiety coupled with knowing that I can eat anything I like will really help me kick binging to the curb once and for all.  I might also lose a few pounds along the way.  Who knows?  But I refuse to go back to dieting and will never let sweets leave my life.