Intuitive Eating isn’t all Unicorns and Rainbows

Since I wrote my post at the end of November about not following healthy living blogs any more, I have been trying to figure out a way of eating that is going to work for me over the long term.  While I acknowledge that blogs can be a great source of inspiration for healthy meal ideas, they are also a hotbed for comparison.  This is why, after careful deliberation, I have decided to only read a very select few (about 5).  These are ones that I don’t find triggering and who cover topics I am genuinely interested in.  I refuse to read any blogs that post all of the food they eat or those that post more than once a day, and if I feel they are starting to negatively influence me I will stop reading them.

Since trimming down the number of blogs I read, I have felt a bit of a void with regards to how I eat; in all honesty I seem to have lost my direction.  When I was attempting to be a healthy living blogger I always knew what my objective was: to eat as healthily as I could.  These days, I really want to eat more intuitively but I find it confusing.  One of the reasons I turned to HLBs in the first place was because I wanted to normalise my eating after being stuck in the restrict/binge cycle for so long but I didn’t want to gain weight doing so.  Trying to eat healthily gave my eating a purpose and because I never truly knew when to eat for myself, I just followed the pattern that most HLBs seemed to stick to – breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and possibly another snack/healthy dessert.  I would purposely try and keep all of my meals small to save calories and would eat to a timetable of around every 3 hours, regardless of whether I got hungry sooner.  I can honestly say that I never actually felt satisfied eating this way but I simply didn’t have the confidence to explore what amount of food and eating schedule suited me.  Basically, I was, and still am, scared to eat without a plan.

For the past few months I have been trying to eat much more intuitively but it is really difficult.  There are so many questions I have to constantly ask myself: do I want to eat healthy food?  Do I want to eat unhealthy food?  Am I hungry?  Am I full?  Do I want sweet food or savoury?  Hot or cold?  Spicy or bland?  Am I craving anything?  The list is endless and, quite frankly, it can be exhausting.  It is also very intimidating.  I am constantly haunted by the thought that if I truly give myself permission to eat whatever I like, I will lose all control and never eat well again.  I convince myself I am on a one-track road to weight gain, and this attitude is neither healthy nor helpful.  I just cannot seem to shake the feeling that I am gaining weight (I am not), or am eating in the ‘wrong’ way (whatever that is!).  It is frustrating that the more I try to move towards adopting a healthier, more normalised approach to food, the more frequently the old dieting mentality tries to come back.  I have found myself on each Sunday for the past two weeks saying ‘it’s fine that I didn’t eat healthily this week, I’ll start again on Monday and get back on track with trying to lose weight’.  I have even gone so far as to devise entire food and exercise plans in my mind and set goals about how much weight I can lose by the time I come back to work after the Christmas break.  Believe me when I say that this is not a conversation I want to have with myself. 

I know I have to really get my head around eating normally.  On each occasion that I have told myself to diet on Monday, I have proved to myself that I am not going to give in to these feelings and have never made an attempt to cut calories or change my diet.  I will succeed with intuitive eating and whatever that may bring with it.  I am slowly coming to realise that what I might really need is a major injection of body confidence and I will be working on this in conjunction with intuitive eating.  At the end of the day, weight gain is not the be all and end all of life.  I am not comfortable with making my way through life thinking that I have to eat in a particular way to comply with external pressures to be a certain size, or that I should eat according to some socially acceptable schedule.  For the first time in many years, I want to find out what works for me - what foods I love, what amount of food is satisfying and how often my body likes to eat.  From here on in I give myself permission to eat; food rules no longer exist.

I apologise if this post seems like a regurgitation of many that have come before it and I wish I had something more positive to say but at the moment this is where I am in my journey.  My last post on the topic was probably slightly more optimistic than this one but it is hard not to revert back to previous behaviours.  What I really need to do is figure out why I have started to think I should abandon intuitive eating and why the diet mentality is coming back.  The path ahead is probably long but I know that the sooner I stop trying to get off it, the easier this whole thing will become.  I am committed to eating normally and I am committed to learning to accept my body at the weight it was designed to have.  Life is simply too short to be miserable.

20 Day Challenge

Today is 1^st December which means we are now well and truly into the holiday season.  With just 24 days left until Christmas, the festivities will be starting in full force and the next three weeks will see chocolates and mince pies flowing freely! 

Usually around this time of year, with the dark nights and cold weather, I find that my motivation to workout decreases significantly and I find it hard to get into a nice routine with exercise.  Instead, my workouts are sporadic and I never feel fully committed to them.  I also feel that during the winter I actually need exercise the most to stop me from becoming depressed due to the lack of sunlight……and of course to prevent the mince pies from sticking to my hips too much.  I may not be trying to lose weight but that doesn’t mean I am happy to gain exponentially, so I strive to maintain a happy balance between eating what I like and moving a little to make me feel good.

This year I have come up with a plan to help me stay focussed.  My aim is to exercise for 20 days out of the 24 left before Christmas, meaning that realistically I will be working out for six days each week.  This isn’t a lot but it’s something that I haven’t yet managed to achieve throughout the winter period.  When it’s cold and dark outside, snuggling up on the couch seems so much more inviting.  

This challenge may sound simple – and it is – but it is made slightly more difficult by the fact that I am not a gym member so I don’t automatically have a nice, temperature controlled, safe environment to workout in.  I can either brave the elements outside, or exercise at home, which is why I won’t be making a plan that is too specific with certain activities scheduled for particular days of the week.  There is no point saying I am going to run every Tuesday only to find that on Monday the weather was fine and dry and perfect for running but Tuesday is pouring with rain.  I would rather just commit to exercising a certain number of days per week and then see what I feel like doing on any given day.  Generally I like to have a degree of flexibility and I know myself well enough to say that I will only come to resent a plan that is too rigid.

I have found that my body prefers not to do too much high impact activity, so although I will be making an effort to move for 6 days of the week it will never be in the form of hardcore training like running 10 miles or cycling 30 miles.  That kind of endurance exercise just isn’t for me; I much prefer some gentle yoga, doing an exercise DVD, going for a short run or doing a step workout.  My aim is simply to increase my heart rate and sweat.  It may not seem like a lot but it is certainly enough.

So that is my plan.  Not only will I be counting down the days until Christmas by eating the chocolates in my advent calendar, I will also be doing so with every workout that I complete.

Healthy Eating and IBS

This post discusses my recent health issues.  I am not a doctor or dietician and I am not offering any advice, just my own experiences.  If you are suffering from any of these symptoms please seek advice from a professional.

Also note that I discuss my bowel habits so I won’t be offended if you choose not to read it!

Around May of this year I started to suffer with some really unpleasant gastro-intestinal issues.  In truth, I had actually been suffering with very mild versions of these symptoms for at least six months prior to May, but then all of a sudden they started to get much worse.

After an unexplained bout of severe nausea that lasted two days in late May, I never truly felt well.  I was suffering from gas, bloating, constipation, tiredness, constant stomach pain, an inability to sleep properly and dizzy spells.  On paper it doesn’t sound that bad but living with it day to day was horrible.  I was so bloated that I felt as though I looked pregnant and like I had a bowling ball in my stomach.  Every time I ate I suffered really embarrassing obnoxious gas.  I constantly felt as though I needed to defecate but couldn’t.  I had a constant pain in my stomach that was made worse by both eating and being hungry.  I would get dizzy and faint in the afternoon.  I was constantly tired and yet couldn’t sleep through the night.   I felt truly awful.

For the first few weeks I thought I was just unwell and waited for it to pass.  However, when I was still feeling rotten a couple of months later I decided to visit the doctor to make sure there wasn’t anything really wrong with me.  I explained my symptoms and after consideration she decided that I probably had Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) and was convinced it wasn’t anything serious, which was a big relief.  What she didn’t offer was any help as to how I could start to feel better – just a prescription for mass quantities of Fybogel (a fibre supplement) to ease constipation.

Although the Fybogel did work to move my bowels, it made every other symptom much worse so I decided to do my own research into the condition.  After reading books in my local library and searching the internet I discovered there are certain foods that are recommended for those suffering from IBS-C (the IBS variant with constipation).  As it turns out I was doing it all wrong.

Where I was committed to eating the typical healthy diet – whole grains and lots of fruit and vegetables – the recommended diet for IBS-C sufferers is practically the reverse.  No wonder I felt so bad!  Through my own research I have discovered that I should be eating a low fibre diet which includes the following, to prevent my IBS causing me any problems:

• White bread rather than brown or granary;

• Pasta and rice, but NOT wholemeal;

• Cereals that don’t contain high fibre. Examples include Corn Flakes and rice cereal;

• White flour containing foods;

• Fresh fruit and juices, but avoid skins and seeds;

• Vegetables, but NOT beans, pulses or corn.  The skin should be removed from potatoes and other skinned vegetables as these can be Irritable Bowel Syndrome trigger foods.

Certain foods can also increase the amount of bloating and wind.  Notorious examples of these foods include nuts, dried fruits, baked beans, pulses, cabbage, brussels sprouts, broccoli and cauliflower. Fizzy beers and carbonated drinks such as cola can also make symptoms worse.

When I discovered this information I was a little conflicted.  I have spent a long time building up a healthy diet for myself and I was reluctant to give it up.  It seemed as though I had to reverse my healthy habits and go back to eating white, nutritionally devoid, simple carbohydrates and less fruit and vegetables in order to minimise the amount of fibre in my diet.  This is a complete contradiction of the healthy eating messages pedalled in the media, so for a while I resisted making a change.  I continued to eat healthy whole grains and lots of fruit and vegetables and I continued to feel worse.  After a while though it was all starting to wear me down and I decided to commit to changing my diet.  The experience has been nothing but positive.

Since removing whole grains and cutting back on the amount of vegetables I eat, particularly raw vegetables, I started slowly but surely to feel better.  Each day was a slight improvement on the previous one and now I have got to the point where I pretty much feel normal.  I no longer worry about how I am going to feel after eating, whether I will be able to sleep or how much pain I can expect to feel on any given day.  I feel much more like myself again and I am really enjoying it.

Currently I have cut out all whole grains, nuts and nut butters (sob!), dried fruit, beans and pulses, corn and raw vegetables from my diet.  There is also evidence to suggest that dairy and caffeine aggravate IBS so I have reduced my consumption of these.  I don’t plan to never eat these foods again but rather hope to be able to reintroduce them in quantities that don’t cause me any problems.

So it would appear that healthy eating messages are not always straightforward.  If I continued to follow standard advice about what makes a healthy diet then I would most likely still be suffering.  The simple fact of the matter is that diet is a very individual thing and each person has to make up their own mind about what is right for them.  Some people may thrive eating meat while others relish being vegan; some can eat copious amounts of fruit and vegetables while others have to eat less and some people favour sweet foods while others prefer savoury. 

While I don’t think the healthy eating advice advocated by both the government and health care professionals is wrong in any way, I do think that it is up to each person to make choices that have a positive impact on their body.  For most people, eating whole grains will have such an effect but for me, at this moment in time, it simply doesn’t work.  I am now embracing a new diet that might last a few months or it may last forever but one thing is clear: I will be guided only by what my body wants and I will not eat foods, healthy or otherwise, that make me feel bad.

Goodbye Healthy Living Blogs?

As you may have noticed I haven't been blogging here over the past couple of months.  The truth is that I just got tired of it.  Not tired of blogging or writing per se, but tired of blogging about healthy living.  I have been reading healthy living blogs consistently since around spring 2009 and attempting to blog about the topic in various guises with little success.  What I have come to realise is that being passionate about health and fitness simply isn't part of who I am, and what I definitely do not want to produce is yet another cookie-cutter 'this is what I ate today' blog. If you want to see multiple pictures of smoothies in bowls or salad beasts then you have come to the wrong place; I just cannot get enthusiastic about photographing (or living almost entirely off of) fruit and vegetables.

Do I like to eat fruit and vegetables?  Yes.

Do I like to work up a sweat?  Yes.

Do I want to write about it?  No.

As much as I hate to admit this, I actually think that very few healthy living blogs display what I would deem as healthy behaviour.  In attempting to emulate the healthy diet and active lifestyle exhibited by these bloggers I ran myself into the ground.  For most of this year I have been undereating and overexercising (based on calorific intake).  I have felt tired and drained but above all I have felt annoyed.  Annoyed that despite my best efforts to live like these bloggers, my body refused point blank to look like them.  Despite feeling lethargic, hungry, being unable to sleep, developing IBS and losing my period - again - my body weight refused to drop by more than a few pounds.  So I gave up.  For the past couple of months I have taken all of the pressure off myself.  I have attempted to eat when, what and how much of any food that my body desires.  I have cut back on exercise and done only those activities which I really love doing.  The most crucial change I have made though is to stop reading healthy living blogs.  I used to think these blogs were a helpful and motivating tool that would help me lead a healthier lifestyle, but what they actually turned out to be (at least for me) was one big comparison trap and I just couldn't ever measure up.  How could I?  Even when I am actively trying to live like them I still eat more, exercise less and weigh more than 95% of bloggers in this niche.  The result of this is that I felt like a failure, which is hardly the motivation I was looking for.

So I stepped away from the community completely.  It turns out that this was a very good decision. Away from the influence of healthy living blogs I was able to truly start listening to what my body wanted and needed from both food and exercise. I tried to put fears of weight gain to one side and started tuning in to what my body was asking for.  It turns out that fruit and vegetables are what my body wants but not in huge quantities.  The same is also true of exercise.  My body likes things that aren't necessarily healthy too, such as chocolate and crisps which is completely fine.  Regardless of what the media may try and tell us all food has value - everything contains fat, protein or carbohydrates therefore providing vital fuel for the body.  Allowing myself to have what I want means there is no sense of urgency, desperation or feelings of failure when I eat something that is not necessarily deemed as being healthy. I eat it, I enjoy it and I move on.

Any fears I had of gorging on unprecedented amounts of junk once I opened up my diet were completely unfounded; I actually haven't binged or even overeaten once.  Instead I have been satisfied and my body has thanked me for it.  I feel so much better in myself; in short, I am happy.  I also haven't gained a noticeable amount of weight which makes me believe that my body has settled at a weight which it is comfortable with.  I dropped a few pounds when I started to push my body and I have regained that - but only that.  I have not continued to gain and nor do I feel that I will.

My aim now is to continue down this road, which could I guess be called intuitive eating.  I prefer however, just to refer to it as 'being normal'.  I want to eat when I am hungry, stop when I am satisfied, have what I truly want and move a little each day.  It really is that simple.

An Unhealthy Habit: My Love Affair with Diet Coke

The Confession 

I consider myself to be a fairly healthy person.  I eat my five fruit and vegetables a day, love lean protein and will devour any complex carbohydrate put onto my plate.  I know that eating close to nature is important and I understand that, in general, the more refined a product is, the worse it is for you.  I don’t smoke, I don’t drink.  I take regular exercise and enjoy treats (read: sweets!) in moderation.  But I am far from perfect.  I have a secret love, which does not do my body any favours.  So, here is my confession: My name is Stacey and I love Diet Coke! 

 

I know that drinking soft drinks is unhealthy.  I have read about the purported dangers of aspartame and sodium benzoate, which are prevalent in diet soft drinks.  I have felt the ill effects of drinking too much of them: headaches, mouth ulcers, painful nose, blurred vision, gas(!).  And yet I continue to drink them.  The question is, why?

I have never been able to understand why people continue to smoke when they have breathing difficulties, why people continue to feast on junk food when they are obese, or why they continue to drink alcohol when they know it makes them feel bad.  It has always seemed so simple.  Stop doing what you are doing and you will feel better.  Yet here I am, doing the exact same thing.  I drink diet Coke knowing full well that it is bad for me and knowing that if I drink too much I will start to feel ill.

An addiction?

It would be easy for me to say that I am addicted to diet Coke, but I don’t believe this is true. I have gone for weeks before now without having a single drop.  I don’t think about it all the time, it doesn’t consume my thoughts.  I never feel like I *have* to have it.  I just feel like sometimes I want it.  The fizz of the bottle being unopened, the slow glug as it pours into the glass, the sweet smell of caramel before it hits your lips.  You can’t beat it!

Childhood memories?

Part of me thinks that perhaps the reason I like it so much is because it reminds me of my childhood.  It has been my drink of choice since I was about 10 years old and first introduced to the world of fizzy drinks.  I never liked regular Coke because it is far too sweet; ironically, for someone with such a sweet tooth I cannot stand overly sweet drinks!  Does drinking it remind me of a time when I felt safe, secure and loved?  Does it remind me of a simpler time, a time when I was happy and carefree, with no responsibilities?

Boredom?

Perhaps I drink it simply because I don’t really drink much else apart from water and green/herbal tea.  Maybe I just get bored of drinking the same thing over and over and occasionally I feel like a change?  It’s a good theory, but then why do I always reach for diet Coke?  Why don’t other tasty soft drinks hold the same allure?  It could be argued that other soft drinks actually taste better than diet Coke, which my sister reckons tastes like a can of chemicals, and with which I would kind of agree.  It also has to be Coca-Cola.  Don’t even think of giving me diet Pepsi. And I will laugh in the face of anyone who tries to feed me store brand cola!  It’s diet Coke all the way; no substitutions!

Rebellion?

Or maybe I just like being a rebel.  I feel I do most things right regarding diet and exercise, so perhaps occasionally I like to rebel a little and have something that I know is bad for me, but without having to deal with any of the guilt of eating unhealthy food; there are only negligible calories in diet Coke after all!

I’m not sure I will ever know the real reason why I love diet Coke so much.  What I do know is that it isn’t healthy and knowing this makes me feel a little guilty every time I drink it.  I am comfortable with occasionally eating ‘unhealthy’ food, such as cake and chocolate because when it comes down to it the ingredients are mostly still real food.  It’s just that it has been processed into something that doesn’t necessarily do your body any good if consumed in excess.  But what about diet Coke?  There’s nothing natural about it.  It really is just a bunch of chemicals in a can.  I like the act of drinking it, but not the thought of drinking it.

So there it is; my very unhealthy habit revealed.  Perhaps moderation is always the best philosophy, even when it comes to diet Coke.  I don’t know, but I really can’t imagine never drinking it again.

You Live and Learn

I thought I was at a place with food where I could have anything in my house and not be tempted to pig out on it.  I thought that I was at peace with food and completely comfortable around it, however that may not be the case.

As I had been feeling so at ease with food recently, I decided to put a jar of Whole Earth Chocolate and Caramel spread, and a large bar of Lindt Orange Intense dark chocolate into my supermarket basket over the past couple of weeks.  I thought I could have these in my cupboards and eat them in moderation when I really wanted them, and leave them alone when I didn’t.  Not true.

Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been pigging out or binging on these items but I do find myself thinking about them a lot.  It also seems that the longer they are in the house, the larger my portions of them seem to be.  For example, I started portioning out two squares of chocolate to eat at a time but now I have progressed onto eating three squares.

I was starting to worry that my old binging tendencies were coming back but I don’t think this is the case at all.  I think I’m eating more of these items simply because they taste good and I like them.  I don’t think I’m really pigging out but am actually being normal.  Therefore I am not going to make a bold statement about never letting unhealthy foods into my house.  I don’t believe these are ‘trigger’ foods and even if they are what is wrong what that anyway?  Abolishing treats from the house is not going to achieve anything in the long run and will probably exacerbate any binging issues.  I want to be at peace with food and to do that I actually have to be exposed to food – all food.

Using my love of science quotes I will bust out a bit of Newton’s Theory of Relativity: ‘for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction’.  This is how I think in terms of restricting or controlling what I eat.  I know that if I restrict myself in any way [for example dieting or restricting which items I allow myself to bring into my home] after a while I will snap.  In taking part in the process of restriction [the action], I know that sooner or later the pressure will become too much and I will binge [the equal and opposite reaction].  As much as I would like to lose a few pounds, the thing I really don’t want is to binge.  My desire to be binge-free is much greater than my desire to be thin, so for now I have to do what is right for myself in trying to achieve this aim. 

That means I will be keeping the treats in the house [as opposed to throwing them out as I have done in the past!].  Not only will I be keeping these treats but I will also buy and bring home whatever other foods really take my fancy when I’m out shopping.  I will learn to eat them in a normal way and be comforted by the fact that I know I can have them any time that I like.

Besides, I am making major inroads into how I think about food and eating.  For the past twelve months I have eaten to the point of fullness.  I know this isn’t necessarily the ‘right’ way to eat, but I took comfort in knowing [and proving to myself] that I could eat whatever and whenever I liked.  It was great to step off the rollercoaster of restricting and binging.  Over the past few weeks I have noticed that I don’t like to feel so full any more.  I proved to myself that food was available whenever I needed it and now eating doesn’t feel so urgent any more.  These days I like to feel lighter in my stomach and therefore don’t feel the need to eat such large portions.  I also don’t fear hunger either - yes, it’s uncomfortable for a short period but it’s not an emergency.  Nothing bad will happen if I have to wait for food.

I hope that the combination of my new found level of satiety coupled with knowing that I can eat anything I like will really help me kick binging to the curb once and for all.  I might also lose a few pounds along the way.  Who knows?  But I refuse to go back to dieting and will never let sweets leave my life. 

Top Tips for a Healthier Diet

I am not going to attempt to define what healthy eating means because I honestly believe that it means different things to different people.  My idea of healthy is most probably very different to yours. I do however believe it is important that people understand that healthy eating is not “a diet”.  It is not something that is undertaken to lose weight.  It is not about calorie counting, weekly weigh-ins or suppressing desires to eat.  Yes, eating well will help you lose weight if that is your goal but that doesn’t mean that healthy eating should be undertaken only by those wishing to shift a few pounds.  Everyone can benefit from eating well and I feel that sometimes this message is lost.  The more you learn about what healthy eating actually means, the more the calories will count themselves!

So, if you are interested in eating a healthier diet follow these tips which will help you on your way.  Of course, I am not an expert but this is what works for me.

Set yourself up for success

Make gradual changes over time.  Trying to overhaul your diet in 24 hours isn’t smart and isn’t likely to succeed.  An all or nothing approach is not required.  Instead make small changes; for example, aim to change one thing per week.  In the first week you could replace your afternoon chocolate bar with a banana and one square of dark chocolate, or replace your packet of fried potato crisps at lunchtime with carrot sticks and houmous.  The following week you could change something else and so on.  As your small changes become habit, your diet will become healthier over time.

Moderation is key

Healthy eating is not an all or nothing proposition.  So try not to categorise food into ‘good’ and ‘bad’.  All food is fine to eat.  It’s the balance that is key.  So, if you are drawn towards sweet, salty or fast foods simply aim to reduce the portion size or not eat them as often.  There is no need to abstain completely.  If you currently enjoy a full size chocolate bar everyday, then replace it with two squares of really good quality chocolate.  If you like to have fast food several times a week, instead save it as a once a week treat. 

Fill up on fruit and vegetables

Fruit and vegetables are the foundation of a healthy diet.  They are low in calories and nutrient dense, so generally the more you eat the better.  Make them part of every meal and your first choice for a snack; aim to eat your five a day.  All fruit and vegetables are good foods to eat but for maximum variety and nutrients try to ‘eat the rainbow’, which just means eating as many different coloured fruit and vegetables as possible.

Limit sugar, salt and refined grains

Plan your diet around fruit, vegetables, wholegrains, protein and good fats.  This will mean that you naturally cut back your consumption of the less healthy stuff.  Some good tips to reduce the amount of sugar, salt and refined grains you eat would be to replace sugary snacks with fruit, cook meals from scratch so you can control the salt content and swap white carbohydrates for brown ones: replace white bread with wholemeal, white rice with brown rice.  For every white grain in existence, there will be a healthier (tastier!) wholegrain version.

Plan your meals

Eating on the go can wreck your healthy eating intentions.  If you are short on time and options, then it is unlikely you are going to eat as healthily as you could.  Healthy eating starts with great planning.  So write a food plan for the week, stock up on what you need and cook meals when you get the chance.  If you only have time to cook on the weekends, then only cook on the weekends!  Most meals can be cooked and then frozen to make your own healthy ready meals.  Similarly if you are planning on having a few salads, then it is easy to chop up the vegetables and store them in containers in the fridge until you are ready to use them.

One step at a time

Making small changes over time really is the best way to improve your diet.  Remember that healthy eating is not about dieting, deprivation and consuming only fruit and vegetables.  Similarly, it is not about protein powder, kombucha or chia seeds.  Healthy eating is not about going to extremes or spending money on expensive foods or supplements.  Yes, being healthy requires consistency but simply making one healthy choice at a time is enough. 

Remember, a diet is something you have, not something you are on.

Back to Blogging

Hello – long time no speak!I have been pretty busy recently hence the lack of updates.  I went to Plymouth for a couple of days to attend a funeral and I went to London yesterday with the husband for a nice day out. 

To get you up to speed with my workouts, I can tell you that I haven’t really done anything so far this week.  Besides my two workouts last week, I also managed another two runs.

I did a nice three mile run on Friday.Mile 1: 8.39 min/mile

Mile 2: 8:34 min/mile

Mile 3: 8.23 min.mile

Total time: 25:59 minutes [I did a little bit over the three miles which is why the time doesn’t quite add up].

It was a really good run – all miles were around the 8.30 minute/mark and negative splits to boot!  This was really speedy for me.  I usually get at least one mile during a run at a sub-9.00 minute mile pace, but I have never managed to get every mile at a fast pace – until now.  I am really quite impressed with myself, especially as I didn’t actually check my Garmin once during the run.  I just went all out and looked at my stats at the end.  It felt good but I was knackered at the end.

On Saturday I did a five mile run.  I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do any exercise on Sunday and Monday due to travelling, so I decided to run two days in a row.  As I am prone to shin splints this is something I never do but luckily it worked out fine and I didn’t have any problems.

This run was a little slower than my last run but still respectable for me.

Mile 1: 9.21 min/mile

Mile 2: 9.09 min/mile

Mile 3: 8.48 min/mile

Mile 4: 9.26 min/mile

Mile 5: 8.57 min/mile

Total time: 45:44 minutes [I did a little bit over the five miles which is why the time doesn’t quite add up].

My pace was all over the place with this run.  I blame the fact that I was tired from running the day before, I started to get a stitch at mile 4 and it was hot.  I’ll take it though. 

Food-wise I have been doing pretty well.  Usually being away from home is a bit of a trigger for me to overeat but I’ve been okay.  Travelling on Sunday, I ate according to my appetite and only had healthy food.  Monday, I was again successful at eating for my appetite although I did end the day with some Reeces Peanut Butter cups – yum!

On Tuesday [yesterday], I ate pretty healthily and would only consider the scoop of Ben & Jerry’s low fat frozen yoghurt I had as being not so healthy.  However, I think I overate.  I was doing well all day, eating mostly healthy stuff and not feeling full but after I ate dinner I felt stuffed.  It was a big healthy plate of vegetable mezze from Whole Foods but there must have been too much of it.  I didn’t get the bloated, stomach gurgling feeling I usually get from binges and when I woke up this morning I felt hungry, as opposed to sick or bloated, so perhaps it wasn’t so bad.  I don’t know.  I do know that I seem to have developed a new stretch mark patch on my stomach though – what joy! 

I am off work for the rest of the week, so my goal is to get some exercise [I’m thinking a six mile run both today and Friday and an eight mile run on Sunday] but it will have to be flexible to accommodate any trips or days out that we may do.  I am also trying to be mindful of how much I eat and to not over do it.  I am really trying hard not to overeat and that is my main focus at the moment.

My Thoughts on Food Blogging

So, does anyone remember the Marie Claire article ‘The Hunger Diaries’?  I do.  In fact, since it was written in October 2010 I haven’t been able to get it off my mind.  Before I write any more, I would like to point out that I am aware that the article was unprofessionally written in the way that it singled out six specific bloggers and provided a very one-sided commentary.  I also appreciate the irony of a magazine who regularly uses underweight models, extensive airbrushing and is an avid promoter of ‘quick-fix’ diets, commenting on the ‘healthy living’ blog phenomenon.  However, I think it still raised some issues that should be discussed.

When I first read the article I was appalled and immediately rallied round the mentioned bloggers to show my support.  I was upset and angry that someone had attacked a community that I found to be positive and inspiring.  I showed the article to my husband but I was not prepared for his response – he completely agreed with it.  This took me by surprise but it also made me realise that, as with most things, it is all a matter of perspective.  For me – someone who was already obsessed with food, exercise and body image – I didn’t see anything abnormal in posting a daily food and exercise diary.  In all honesty I needed to hear what these women had to say about food because my relationship with it was a bit skewed.  I liked the fact that they ate a seemingly normal amount because it meant that I was not abnormal for having an appetite. 

It should always be remembered that the ‘healthy living’ blog community is a very insular society; the people in it are not the ones who are best equipped to determine whether the behaviour exhibited is normal.  Firstly, there is a natural bias – a tendency to defend things that you put time and effort into.  Secondly, the people who write and read these blogs most likely don’t have a normal relationship with food because if they did they probably wouldn’t be reading these blogs. 

As an outsider, my husband was able to see that blogging about everything you eat and posting it for the world to see – and comment on – is not normal behaviour.  Whether any bloggers have an eating disorder is not for anyone to say, and from what I have seen of the so-called ‘Big Six’ I would conclude they probably don’t.  That isn’t to say though that their blogs and others don’t exhibit disordered behaviour; taking pictures of your food is in itself not normal and implies an unhealthy obsession with what you are eating. 

Since the article was written it is like I have had the blinkers removed and I can suddenly see things that I couldn’t see before – the repetitive meals comprised of practically the same things every day, the small serving plates, talk of binges and an ‘out of control’ sweet tooth, eating half of a dessert, eating only the frosting from cake, taking ‘bites’ of unhealthy food, food sabotage, eating small meals when they haven’t exercised that day……the list goes on.  Is this disordered eating?  Amazing willpower?  Orthorexia?  And what about me?  Am I a failure then if I eat a variety of foods week in and week out, or if I eat the entire cupcake and not just the frosting?  Am I less healthy?  Should I try harder?  These are the questions that are raised in my mind by reading these blogs, so I think it is safe to say that reading about other people’s daily food and exercise habits over and over again can be triggering. 

Apparently this is where ‘reader responsibility’ comes in.  If I am triggered by these blogs I am supposed to just delete them from my Google Reader and move on.  However, things aren’t that simple.  What if I don’t know I am being triggered by them?  Let’s not forget that they are packaged as being all about healthy living, so if I don’t read them any more doesn’t that mean I am giving up on being healthy?  I think this is where the line is blurred and why it isn’t always easy to just give up reading blogs.  Placing the emphasis on the reader is also kind of lazy.  The blogger then has free rein to talk about anything they wish without giving a second thought to the audience and how it might affect them.  Surely, the responsibility should at least be shared?

I think the line is further blurred when bloggers become brands, who are endorsed by companies and offered book deals.  Not only does this place greater pressure on them to be healthy but it must also, in their own minds and in the minds of their readers, link being healthy and slim with success.

Do you want to know another conclusion I have reached about healthy living blogs?  The message portrayed is actually exactly the same as that of the magazines – that being slim equals being happy.  Think about it, how many blogs feature an ‘About’ page that details the bloggers’ weight-loss journey?  They say how they were overweight and unhappy, lost some weight and now being slim and healthy is the best thing they ever did and they are so much happier than they were before.  Isn’t the thin equals happy message the exact one that magazines try to promote? 

Magazines often post brief articles featuring a low calorie diet and exercise regime to ‘Get the Body of Your Dreams’, but blogs do exactly the same thing.  In fact blogs take it one step further, listing everything that is eaten and all exercise that is done over the course of a long period of time, with multiple postings per day.  The underlying message on blogs is that if you do as I do, you will look as I look.  In most cases, and most certainly with the ‘Big Six’, this is slim.

In summary, I don’t think that healthy living blogs are necessarily healthy or unhealthy.  However, I do think it is important that as readers we are careful about the media that we consume and don’t go into anything blindly.  It was only after reading the article that I was able to look more objectively at these blogs and would encourage all readers to do the same.

Getting Back to My Roots

Do you know what? 

Food blogging is boring.

Wanting to lose weight is boring.

Fighting my sweet tooth is boring.

Thinking I have to eat vegetables is boring.

I want my life to be fun.  Exciting.  Challenging. Rewarding. 

Not boring.  Definitely not boring.  A boring life is a life half lived.

So I will not be posting my daily food intake any more.

I will not be whining about wanting to lose weight any more.

Instead I will be living my life.  The way I want to.  Without giving a damn what bloggers are doing or what they would think of my choices.  Want to eat spinach in your smoothie?  Knock yourself out.  Personally, I’d rather eat it on a plate with olive oil, lemon juice, fresh herbs, olives and feta.  Call me crazy but I think it tastes better that way.

I don’t care if I really should lose ten pounds.  I’m not planning on wearing a bathing suit any time soon, so really, who cares?  Not me.  To anyone who thinks I’m fat – shame on you.

I care more about good chocolate.  Heck, who am I kidding, I’ll even eat not-so-good-and-probably-contains-a-bagillion-awful-ingredients-that-only-an-idiot-would-consume chocolate.  I’m not fussy.

I care about vegetables.  I adore vegetables.  I just don’t want to feel like I absolutely have to eat them.  Know what I mean?

Against my better judgement and inner lazy girl, I also care about running.  Weird.

So what the heck is this blog going to be about then?  Who knows.  Perhaps more posts like this and this, and fewer posts like this.  Whatever I feel like writing about at the time I suppose.  Food.  Fitness.  Life.  The usual but without placing rules on myself.  If I want to eat a cupcake, I’ll eat a damn cupcake thank you very much.  I don’t need to feel guilty about it.

Active Recovery and My Love of Chocolate

There is only one word to describe how my body is feeling today - stiff!  I definitely pushed myself during my ten mile run yesterday and I can feel it in every part of my legs.  Sitting down at my desk job all day didn’t help either, and by the time I finished work my muscles felt really tight.

Obviously after such a tough workout yesterday, I had designated today as a rest day.  However, as my legs were feeling tight I thought some light walking might help to loosen them up a bit.  So instead of getting the bus the whole way home, I got off about two miles away and walked the rest of the route.  It felt really good to get my legs moving and the blood flowing.  I also did some light stretches when I got home.  I am a great believer in active recovery and hope that the walking and stretching will help to relieve the tightness.  I would like to do a short run tomorrow but I need to see how my legs are feeling before I can commit – ten miles is unchartered territory for me and I need to see how my body reacts to such longs runs.

With regards to my food I am still eating pretty healthily.  It isn’t perfect but it is definitely in the desired 80:20 ballpark, which is fine as I could never be a perfect eater.  I do sometimes think it would be nice to be somebody who never gets a craving for chocolate, cakes and candy but unfortunately that is just not me.

Case in point, I craved chocolate today.  I could have just rode the craving out, ignored it and eventually it would have gone away.  However, I gave in and ate a Cadbury’s Dairy Milk after work.  Now I know that in the grand scheme of things one chocolate bar every once in a while is fine but I always feel a slight sense of failure when I eat treat foods.  I know it is ridiculous to feel this way because after all, no single food is unhealthy, and what really matters is the balance and variety of the overall diet.  I suppose it is hard not to feel a bit guilty when you read so many healthy living blogs whose writers never seem to have such cravings.  It makes me think that if I didn’t give in to my cravings for sweet treats then eventually I would stop craving them.

There is no need to dwell on it though.  On a positive note, it didn’t lead to a binge and I haven’t overeaten in ages so I feel I’m doing well.  I don’t think I should try and suppress my desire for sweets because that will most likely backfire so I am going to continue to eat them mindfully and only when I really want them, which seems like a good compromise to me.

Fuelling the Long Run

This morning I had one objective – to complete a long run.  I was aiming for eight miles and wanted to set myself up for success.  I know from my last long run that without fuel and water I start to flag and lose energy, so today I decided to try and fuel my run.  Whilst at the supermarket yesterday I picked up a bottle of Lucozade Sport to see if it would help.  The run itself went reasonably well.  It was pretty much plain sailing for the first six miles.  I went up some hills, down some hills and generally trudged along.  I sipped the Lucozade every couple of miles to give me a boost.  Things were going so well that at mile six I decided to commit to completing ten miles instead of eight, but then things started to get difficult.  Out of nowhere my legs seemed to get really tired and I could also feel a cramp starting to develop in my right side.  This didn’t bode well for the remaining four miles.  However, I did not want to stop and was really determined to complete the distance.

I decided to just carry on and if things got really bad I would stop.  It seemed like a reasonable plan to me.  I carried on for the next two miles and everything was fine.  My legs were flagging but the cramp never fully developed so there was no reason not to carry on.

At mile eight I was pretty much spent.  I really wanted to stop but was motivated to continue for the next two miles so that I could be a double digit runner.  Those last two miles were hard.  I was pretty much checking my Garmin every half mile or so to see how much distance was still left to cover.  I repeated several mantra’s over and over – ‘pain is temporary, pride is forever’, ‘difficult is worth doing’ and ‘running is a mental sport [and I am insane!]’. 

Once I hit mile nine I knew I was going to be able to go the distance, but that last mile felt like it lasted forever.  I also felt like I might throw up but I was so close to finishing that I couldn’t stop now.  I persevered, carried on and slowly but surely saw the distance increase on my Garmin – 9.5 miles, 9.6 miles, 9.8 miles.  Then before I knew it I was done and had completed ten glorious miles.  I ran double digits and couldn’t be prouder.  This is something that I never thought I could do in a million years but I did it.

My mileage stats:

Mile 1: 09:36

Mile 2: 09:22

Mile 3: 09:33

Mile 4: 09:35

Mile 5: 09:45

Mile 6: 09:31

Mile 7: 09:44

Mile 8: 09:27

Mile 9: 09:35

Mile 10: 09:20

Total distance: 10 miles.

Total time: 1 hour 35 minutes and 36 seconds.

As well as fuelling during the run, I also made an effort to refuel afterwards.  I have heard that chocolate milk provides a great ratio of carbohydrates and protein to aid recovery so that’s what I went with.  It hit the spot and was so cool and refreshing, which was definitely welcome after a hot and sweaty run.

This was such a difficult run but I am glad that I didn’t give up when the going started to get tough.  I figured that it is the difficult runs that actually make me a stronger runner and if I gave up every time things got tough I would never achieve anything.  Running isn’t supposed to be easy and that is kind of why I like it – I like to do something that challenges me and to achieve goals that I set for myself.  Today, I exceeded my expectations of what I could do and I am pleased that I pushed through the pain.  I proved to myself that anything really is possible.

Run hard. Be strong. Think big!

Instead of giving you yet another recap of my food for the day, I thought I’d share a blog post from my old blog [I am still gutted I deleted it!].  Don’t think this means I have been eating unhealthily because I haven’t, I just don’t want this blog to be only a food blog.  After all, I love to write more than I love taking pictures of my food!

I remember back when I purchased my very first pair of running shoes, and more recently when I got my Garmin Forerunner 205, I started to contemplate the reasons why I now consider myself to be one of those crazy folk who call themselves ‘runners’.

Going the distance

When I first started running, five miles was a distance that I couldn’t even imagine ever being able to complete.  It was one of my goal distances.  A distance that meant I was fit and could really start to think of myself as being somebody who runs.  When I ran five miles for the first time I felt an enormous sense of achievement.  My longest run to date has been eight [very hard!] miles, and my goal is to get to ten!

Quote: It hurts up to a point and then it doesn’t get any worse – Ann Trason.

Whatever the weather

As a general rule I don’t *do* cold or wet weather.  When it’s miserable outside I head for my blanket.  But recently I have found myself heading for the streets to pound out some miles instead.  I may not run very far, or for very long in such weather conditions but to me just stepping foot outside the door proves that I am committed. 

Quote: There is no such thing as bad weather, just soft people – Bill Bowerman.

Glorious highs and crushing lows

Let’s face facts; running is hard.  It is no easier for me to run for 2 miles than it is to run 6.  It’s just that a shorter run is over and done with quicker!  Pushing to do a longer run takes a lot of determination and, most definitely, some pain.  There have been times when I’ve almost cried; times when I have most definitely used expletives; and occasionally, times when I even had to cheer myself on [outloud!].  These were hard times, but I pushed through them and when I finished I felt amazing.  As well as the physical high from running, I have also experienced a sense of enormous achievement from doing something that I never thought I would be able to do.

Quote: Running is a big question mark that’s there each and every day. It asks you, "Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?" – Peter Maher.

The crack of Dawn

Generally I’m not one to spring straight out of bed in the morning.  I like to lay and be peaceful for a while before I contemplate having to get up.  However, when it comes to running I seem to break this rule.  There have been a lot of times over the past few months that I have got up early on the weekend and gone out running.  When the sun is shining and my trainers are calling, 6:00am no longer seems so early on a Sunday morning.  Well, not in the summer anyway; the winter is a whole other ball game.

Quote: I don’t think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups – Rita Rudner.

Anticipation

I actually look forward to running.  This was a big shock to me!  Since I started running, around April 2010, I have consistently gone out between 3 – 4 times per week and haven’t looked for an excuse not to workout.  I have looked forward to [and enjoyed] every single run.  There have been times when I’ve let the weather or a little injury keep me indoors but during these periods I have always wanted to get back outside.  I can honestly say that I have never stuck with any exercise for such a long period of time and with such consistency.  Exercise – 1, Laziness – 0!

Quote: I always loved running – it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs – Jesse Owens.

Taking all of this into consideration I now feel justified in calling myself a runner.  Sure, other people can run faster, and yes I have been overtaken by an *entire* running club in the past [the slow ones at the back and all!] but that doesn’t stop me being a runner. At the end of the day, I put my trainers on, get out there and shake my thing.  That’s all that matters. 

So I will lace up my running shoes and take to the streets with pride.  I think of myself as a runner and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.

How I Eat

This is not a food blog.  I would never want to post what I eat every day all of the time and I am seriously lacking in the cooking-skills department.  However, I thought it might be interesting to occasionally post what I have eaten in a day.  Right, here goes then.

[Note: this is what I ate yesterday.] 

Pre-run: two medjool dates.

Breakfast.I came back from my run quite late and wasn’t hungry.  Therefore I just made up a protein smoothie which contained:

• Half a sachet of Spiru-tein Vanilla protein powder;
• One and a half small frozen bananas;
• Half a teaspoon of Nesquik chocolate milkshake powder;
• A lot of water.

The smoothie was tasty and just what I needed to see me through until lunch, but only just – I pretty much ate at 12pm on the dot!I had a ‘Healthier Choice’ tuna salad pot from the supermarket and jazzed it up with some broccoli, houmous and fresh basil.  For dessert I had a pear and a packet of raisins.

I started to get peckish again at around 4pm, so I had a teacake spread with real butter.Then three hours later I had dinner.

A portion of wholemeal pasta with broccoli and homemade pasta sauce [it was made my the husband and contained tinned tomatoes, onions, peppers, garlic, fresh basil and a few more ingredients that I’m not sure of].  I stirred a tablespoon of nutritional yeast into it and topped with fresh basil.

Finishing off with dessert.Two dates – one stuffed with coconut butter and some Mexican Drinking Chocolate sprinkles and one stuffed with Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter, along with a mug of peppermint tea.

This was a good day regarding how healthy my food was and I think I did a reasonable job of matching my food intake to my hunger.  Sometimes I think I should be eating at certain time because I burned around 700 calories running.  For example, I felt like I should eat a proper breakfast but to be honest I wasn’t really that hungry for it.  Instead my hunger caught up with me in the afternoon so I had a large snack of a toasted teacake.  I need to learn to trust my body and I am making an effort to only eat when I am hungry and not because I think I should [or because I’m bored, lonely, sad etc].  Saying that though, I will always make sure I refuel with something after running, even if it’s just a smoothie because I do think it is important for recovery to get a good mix of protein and carbs after exercise.

A Good Weekend

I have had myself a great little weekend.  The best part about the weekend was knowing that I’m not going to work next week and will instead be enjoying 7 days of relaxation doing absolutely nothing.  It would be great if we were going away somewhere fantastic but alas, we are not.  I’ll still take it though.  A week off work is always a winner for me!

Anyway, back to the weekend.  Saturday was fabulous because I enjoyed a day in sunny London town.  I don’t live too far from London but don’t seem to visit all that often – perhaps once or twice a year.  I guess, as much as I enjoy it while I’m there, it’s best dealt with in small doses.

I made sure to make pit stops at some of my favourite spots.

Food gawking at Borough Market.  I love this place and they seriously sell everything.  The free samples go down a treat too! I enjoyed lunch at Hummus Bros. 

Chickpeas for lunch?  Yes please.  Walking and relaxing along the South Bank. Scoping out overpriced health foods at Whole Foods Market, and actually purchasing said overpriced items!  More free samples were consumed.Want to see my foodie haul?

From Borough Market:

• Pear and Vanilla Butter;
• Spanish smoked paprika;
• Mini Magoo’s Handmade Cherry granola;
• Plus some unpictured (because I ate them!) medjool dates and a huge slice of low fat/low sugar/wholemeal carrot cake, which was surprisingly delicious.

From Whole Foods:

• Italian Farro;
• 5 Grain mix;
• Apple Cider vinegar;
• Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter;
• Mexican Drinking Chocolate;
• Plus an unpictured sachet of Spiru-Tein Vanilla protein powder, Spiru-Tein protein bar and a shaker cup (it was a bundle set).

Mmmm, tasty treats.  My taste buds and stomach will be very happy indeed.

I usually go to Hummingbird Bakery as well, but alas the hummus and carrot cake filled my belly and, try as I might, I wouldn’t have been able to get a cupcake in there.  In hindsight I could have gotten one to go and saved it for today but I didn’t - you live and learn!

It was a lovely day out in London.

Today has been pretty low-key but it started off with a great run.  I totally rocked out 7 miles before breakfast – oh yeah!

Mile 1: 09:51 min/mile <-----starting off nice and slow

Mile 2: 09:21 min/mile <-----warmed up and getting a bit faster

Mile 3: 09:30 min/mile <-----trying to keep a comfortable 09:30 pace

Mile 4: 09:31 min/mile<-----trying to keep a comfortable 09:30 pace

Mile 5: 09:34 min/mile<-----starting to flag – needed some fuel

Mile 6: 09:32 min/mile<-----not far now, perking up a bit

Mile 7: 09:14 min/mile<-----bringing it home!

Total time: 1 hour, 7 minutes and 24 seconds.

All in all, it was a really good run.  I had originally planned to do six miles but at the three mile mark I decided I could probably push it to seven and I’m glad I did. 

As a bit of background, I only started running in spring last year.  I used the walk/run method to learn to run two/three miles and then just increased my distance gradually to build up to longer runs.  Up until about October last year I was running three times per week which comprised a short two mile run, a mid-length four mile run and a long six mile run.  During the winter I only ran intermittently and never for more than four miles  Last year I never ran more than six miles, therefore the fact that this year I have completed this seven mile run and also an eight mile run a few weeks back makes me very happy.  Hopefully, I will be able to make it into double digits before the year is out.

Anyway, today’s run was great.  As it was going to be a long run I set off nice and slow to conserve energy.  I decided I didn’t want to go above a 9:30 min/mile pace so I kept an eye on my Garmin to make sure I was staying within the 9:30 – 10:00 minutes per mile range.  I knew that if I went any faster, I would stand less chance of being able to complete, or exceed, my six mile goal.  This is just one of the reasons that I love having a Garmin.  Without it, I am running ‘blind’ with only a rough idea of distance and pace.  I love to know exactly what I am doing, mainly for reassurance – if I don’t have anything that tells me I definitely ran seven miles, I start to doubt myself.

I started to flag at around mile 4.5.  Unfortunately I am not great a fuelling my running.  I had two dates before I left because I had heard that these were great little nuggets of energy to eat pre-run.  Personally, they didn’t do very much for me and I didn’t notice much of a difference to when I run without eating anything beforehand [I don’t recommend running on empty – I am stupid!].  I didn’t have any fuel mid-run and in fact I didn’t even have any water [again, I am stupid!].  I hate carrying things when I run but as my runs get longer I am going to have to try and figure something out.  No fuel and no water is not going to work, especially when the summer temperatures really kick in.

Despite flagging, I was able to keep my pace and just kept on trucking.  I pretty much felt good the entire time and despite the dip in energy I was able to keep my pace up.  I just concentrated on having a good time, observing nature and thinking things through.  Running rocks!